I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
milkmen.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the
entire area was missing...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every
once in a while, I turn it on and off....  One day I got a call...
it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
						-- Stephen Wright
%
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I invented the cordless extension cord
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, 'Why were you going so
fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
This steers it'
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom.  They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
					 	-- Stephen Wright
%
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I had a friend who was a clown...  when he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information.  She said they were behind the couch.  She was right.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the
same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me.  I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit
here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going
that far.'.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.  On the back it
said, "Wish you were here."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
"Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
What's another word for Thesaurus?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
what to feed it.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
						-- Stephen Wright
%
In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
today."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
All the plants in my house are dead --  I shot them last night.   I
was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I
go over there and write misspelled words on them.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I went to a general store.  They  wouldn't  let  me  buy  anything
specifically.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
So, do you live around here often?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." 
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got
a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but
every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...
well, to make a long story short...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and
went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in
spanish.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I installed a skylight in my apartment...
The people who live above me are furious!
						-- Stephen Wright
%
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said "Didn't
you see the stop sign."  I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So,
I got some flip-up contact lenses.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen
some of it... 
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one --  it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
dotted line.  He caught every other fish.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?
						-- Stephen Wright
%
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on
doughbolts.  They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
						-- Stephen Wright
%
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
						-- Stephen Wright
%